Jessica can’t deny it anymore. She’s tried to pretend that her marriage to Doug is just fine. She’s held out hope that the prickly dynamics between her and Doug would soon pass.
After their most recent argument, Jessica stopped pretending. For the first time in a long while, she could fully see — and feel — how far apart she and Doug had become.
She had been asking friends and searching online for referrals for a coach that she and Doug could work with and possibly save their marriage before it ended in divorce. She hoped it wasn’t too late.
When divorce happens, it sometimes comes as a sort of emotional explosion. The end of the relationship may even be precipitated by abuse or violence. For other couples, it comes at the culmination of long periods of icy silence and neglect.
Divorce might come as a huge surprise that shocks or it may be expected. If you can see the signs that you and your spouse are possibly headed for divorce, there may still be time to save your marriage. You can take steps to identify what’s tearing you apart and begin to make some meaningful changes.
Here are 10 harsh signs your marriage is headed for divorce:
1. Your usual mode of conversation is yelling and screaming.
If yelling, screaming, and calling one another names is how most conversations end up, know that this will not foster love, trust, and respect. These are essential to a healthy marriage.
2. The “silent treatment” is an almost daily occurrence.
Motivation for remaining silent may be fear of upsetting the other person or it could be a desire to “punish” by not speaking or responding. The “silent treatment” is a direct route to resentment and more anger so be aware of this deadly marriage killer.
3. You’ve stopped caring about whether or not your relationship will improve.
Regardless of whether you’ve tried “everything”, or you have reached your frustration limit, if you hear yourself saying and thinking that you just don’t care anymore, this could be a bad sign for your relationship.
4. You see your partner as a roommate or co-parent, but not a lover.
Maybe there is no animosity and no conflict between you and your partner, but there’s also no passion either. Plenty of couples stay together and are even somewhat content in a passionless marriage. The question is whether or not you and your spouse are willing to lead this kind of life together.
5. Cheating looks more and more appealing.
When it’s emotionally painful at home, you may start to play the “What if?” game in your mind. Looking at your co-worker, neighbor or somebody in the coffee shop, your thoughts stray more and more often to, “What if I got what’s missing from that person?” or “What if my needs could be met by him (or her)?”
6. You’re surprised when your partner actually tells you the truth.
If you are amazed when your spouse is upfront and completely honest with you because it happens so rarely, there is definitely a problem. No matter what the excuse, there really isn’t a “good” reason to lie. Decide if it’s in your best interest to stay or leave.
7. When you’ve had a rough day, your spouse is the last person you tell.
Take a minute to think about the last time you felt overrun by worries, fears, or stress that did not directly relate to your marriage. Who did you call or go to for support? If you turned to just about everyone else in your life before your spouse, this might say something about the state of your marriage.
8. Your dreams about the future don’t include your partner.
Similarly, when you think about the future, what does it look like? Who is there with you when you envision yourself crossing the finish line or achieving your goal? If your spouse is missing from the picture, pay attention.
9. Your friends think you two have already split up (or are about to).
While it’s not uncommon for friends to do some amount of complaining to one another about their significant other, if this happens so much that your buddies wonder why you’re sticking around or if you’ll be calling them for help moving, this could mean you’re headed for divorce.
10. You’re 100% certain that it’s your spouse’s fault that your marriage is falling apart.
We’re not saying that you’re right or wrong if you believe that it is completely your partner’s fault that your marriage is in trouble. We are saying that this belief usually indicates some pretty thick walls coated with anger and resentment— none of which are good for a relationship.
Every marriage and every couple is different.
These signs don’t necessarily mean that you and your partner will divorce soon or even ever. If you want to create a healthy, happy, and loving relationship with your spouse and you notice any of these signs, take it as a wake-up call to do something different than what you’ve been doing.
If you’re unsure what or how to change dangerous dynamics going on in your relationship, get help from a professional counselor or coach.
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the relationship they desire.
