It can be frustrating and infuriating… You are kind and generous, but it doesn’t seem to get you anywhere. You are single and you’d really like to be in a fabulous love relationship or marriage, but it just isn’t happening.
When you look at who gets all the great men or women, and has no trouble finding dates, there’s a rule that appears to hold true. It’s the women who are referred to with the ‘b-word’ and jerks who seem to win at love, and you don’t.
Keith always tries to be a nice guy. He really listens when the women at work talk to him — even if they’re gossiping and complaining. He carries groceries and heavy boxes for the women who live in his apartment building
. He sees men who demean women, lie to them, cheat on them, and treat them with disrespect walking around with dynamic and attractive women as their dates. He’s the one who usually goes to and then leaves parties alone.
Jennifer can’t understand it. Among her friends, it is the ones who are snobbish, aloof, and mean who seem to get the guys.
When talking with a man, she is polite and takes an interest in what he has to say. In fact, she has had many really great conversations about social issues and politics with some men.
It’s her ‘catty’ friends who get invited to dance or who are taken out to dinner — not Jennifer.
Does it seem to you that you’re the “reliable one” or “great friend” but never the one sought after by men or women? Is it true that men prefer mean girls and women only like jerks? This can seem to be accurate, and, in some cases, it is. In the majority of situations, however, it’s not the rude or jerky behavior that is attracting others. It’s something else.
What draws people in is confidence. If you look closely at a catty woman or an arrogant man, you’re probably going to see a person who — beyond the negative characteristics — is certain and clear about who he or she is. This person’s energy says, “I am proud to be me, and you want to get to know me.”
The good news is that you don’t have to start being mean to others in order to attract your perfect partner. In fact, we’re in no way advocating that anyone should be harsh or nasty as a way to get dates. We do recommend that you learn from the positives of the people you know who are successful at love in a way you’d like to be.
Here are two important ‘get-the-guy’ lessons nice women should learn from mean women:
1. Watch your expectations
Be aware of what your expectations are of other men, women, and yourself. Even having the expectation that, if you’re a “nice guy” or a “kind woman” you won’t attract a partner, is putting up obstacles. The moment you believe this so-called rule, you put yourself in an impossible situation. You either believe you have to pretend to be a jerk and not who you really are, or you resign yourself to fading into the background and missing out on the love you want.
Neither of these options is in your best interest. Option one dishonors both you and the person you are talking to or are on a date with. Option two keeps you stuck in a place you’ve already been and don’t have to be. It also robs other people of the opportunity to get to know you — and maybe even fall for you. You need to question your expectations.
To question your expectations, you have to know what they are in the first place. Pay attention to your usual thoughts and also how you talk about dating and love to your friends and family. Stop repeating what’s not true and what doesn’t serve you. Instead, create space for possibilities that allow you to be authentically who you are and successful at love.
2. Be the most confident version of yourself
If you are insecure or unsure of yourself, it’s going to show. This is what keeps men or women away from you. Make boosting your healthy confidence a top priority. Watch your thoughts and how you talk about yourself to others. This is so important. Stop putting yourself down or being hyper-critical of how you look, speak, or act. This can take practice to change, so be gentle and patient with yourself.
Intentionally find things about yourself that you do feel good about. Play up these positive attributes in your own mind and notice how it feels. You’re probably going to get a sense of lightness. and you might see yourself standing a little taller.
Explore who you are and find out what helps you feel more alive. Look in the mirror as you come into your own more than before. There will probably be a sparkle in your eye and a glow about you.
This is the “secret” that the jerks and catty women seem to have going for them. Isn’t it wonderful to know that you can be the kind, caring and sensitive person you already are and exude a self-assurance that will attract a partner who is right for you?
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect, and create the relationship they desire.
