If “How to Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend” were a movie, it would surely involve a scene where a John Cusack look-alike holds a stereo over his head; after a few poignant moments, his ex would fly down the stairs and say something like, “You had me at Peter Gabriel.” They would then embrace forever. End scene.
But, unfortunately for the brokenhearted, how to win back your ex-girlfriend isn’t as simple as finding the right song. It actually takes a great deal of effort and going against your innate desires.
In fact, knowing how to win back your ex-girlfriend can sometimes have less to do with how you should behave and more to do with how you shouldn’t. This is because there are certain errors that are the equivalent of your relationship going into the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink and drinking an entire bottle of bleach: committing them is almost always fatal.
So, if you’re trying to learn how to win back your ex-girlfriend, start with avoiding these common — but deal-breaking—mistakes.
Here are the 3 harsh reasons your ex won’t come back to you:
1. Calling too often
It’s not hard to understand why you may feel the need to call your ex immediately after a breakup: you’re hurt, you’re angry, and you’re hell-bent on telling your ex that you’ll do anything to get them back. Unlike Meatloaf, you’ll even do that.
But, calling (or texting or showing up at their doorstep) too much or too soon isn’t effective for two reasons. The first reason is that to put it simply, it’s annoying. Your ex needs time to process the breakup, to decide what she wants, and to settle her nerves. If you continue to pester her with calls, she’ll resent you for it. So, refrain from contacting her at all. Allow for distance to do its job — making the heart grow fonder.
The second reason that calling all the time isn’t how to win your ex-girlfriend back is because of the image you give off: complete and total desperation. Desperation rarely ever evokes attractiveness. At best it causes pity; at worst anger it causes anger.
Being desperate also tells your ex that she is free to go out and date other guys, play the field, and genuinely do whatever she wants — you’ll still be there when she returns.
2. Wanting to talk about the two of you
Another error you may commit when trying to figure out how to win your ex-girlfriend back is asking her to talk about “us.” Talking about the two of you and what went wrong in your union is a road you will have to cross eventually, but when trying to reconcile, you should refrain from talking about “us” and instead talk about “you.” Namely, you should talk about how you have changed.
There is little doubt that both you and your ex are at fault for the end of your relationship, but when you’re the one who is trying to reconcile, you’re the one who must bear the burden of changing. Still, talking about yourself and telling her that you have changed isn’t enough; you must also show her. Actions perhaps never speak so much louder than words when it comes to trying to heal a broken marriage or partnership.
3. Asking her to pick up where you left off
Picking up where you left off is the final thing you shouldn’t do when trying to gauge how to win your ex-girlfriend back. If you do, it’s likely you’ll end up driving not to Lover’s Lane, but to Lover’s Circle: things might be good for a while, but ultimately you’ll just end up in the same sad situation.
The safer way to repair your relationship is to start with a clean slate. This not only means taking things slowly but also letting go of the past, forgiving each other, and not bringing up who did what when.
Another element to this is playing it cool — being clingy, jealous, or expecting too much too soon isn’t how to win back your ex-girlfriend. You should instead aim to be casual, calm, and collected. Doing this shows your ex that you’re fine with how things are progressing and willing to respect her needs rather than focus on your own.
The Romance Code is a relationship coach who shows people how to navigate the ups and downs of love.
