By Mykh Goldstein
In this world of endless, senseless chatter, it has become hard to know who someone really is — their true personality traits and how to communicate with them on a deep level — even when it’s a guy you’re dating or already involved in a romantic relationship.
Most of us wind up stuck in small talk about the weather and traffic, which leads many of us to struggle while getting to know the true self of a person we could see ourselves falling in love with.
We want to know what drives them, what keeps them going every day, what they truly believe in, and what has changed their life, but knowing which questions to ask a guy or girl in order to learn more about them and what they’re like in relationships simply confounds us.
How can you really get to know a guy and his personality traits?
Scientific research published in the Journal of Psychological Science looked at the benefits of taking part in a profound discussion as opposed to small talk.
Volunteers participating in the study were asked to attach a recorder to the collar of their shirts to record 30-second pieces of their conversations, for a total of 12.5 minutes of conversation recorded each day over four days.
The results showed that the most cheerful volunteer had twice as many meaningful conversations as the others. This person had also spent much less than half as much time indulging in small talk than did the most discontented person.
Matthias Mehl, who headed the study, explained that men and women are social animals who instinctively feel the urge to bond with others.
In this regard, having a deep discussion with someone in which you ask them questions about themselves and what’s important to them helps you bond better than engaging in meaningless chatter.
So now a new question arises. How do you start profound conversations without making small talk first?
It turns out there are questions you can ask others that will lead you straight into a meaningful conversation, but first, there are a few things you should understand.
Silence is golden.
We all become awkward when there is a lull in the conversation. It doesn’t matter how interesting it is; we’ll scramble for words if we feel like there’s a silence coming, instantly becoming anxious and looking for ways to bridge gaps in the conversation.
But rather than taking this as a negative sign, allow the silence to remain until it is broken naturally.
Once you get comfortable with silence, you’ll find that the quality of your conversation automatically improves, as you learn to use those moments to introspect on the topic of conversation and contribute more ideas.
Avoid judgment.
We all have a tendency to make spot-on assumptions when people talk to us. Everything we’ve experienced up to that point and the stereotypes society enforces on you make for preconceived notions when you want to figure something out.
This is fairly common, but it’s also not right, as it prevents you from coming to unbiased conclusions.
When you’re trying to understand what someone is saying, don’t twist their words so that they mean something you understand. Rather, ask them more questions. Don’t hesitate to ask for clarification.
Resist spending your time thinking of what to say next.
As mentioned earlier, we naturally try to avoid silence at all costs. One way we try this is by planning ahead what we’ll say when the other person finishes speaking, but when we do this, we don’t really pay attention to what they’re talking about. This causes breaks in the conversation, and you lose the flow of ideas.
So, when you next realize you’re already coming up with a response, stop and listen closely to what is being said. Then you can keep going down the same track, or you can introduce more ideas, which might be more entertaining.
Once you understand these three essential values, you can move on to the questions you can use to take your conversations to a more meaningful level.
Here are 5 deep questions to ask a guy to find out who he really is:
1. How would you explain your life story?
This is the best way to start a conversation that will take on a more meaningful tone.
Sometimes you’ll get an instant, amazing answer, which can help the conversation take some interesting twists and turns. Others have starting trouble, so you’ll have to give them a lift here and there.
If you see that they are uncertain and preventing themselves from really expressing their story, you can help them by asking more questions to give them places to start from.
2. What are you passionate about?
This is a way to get people talking really quickly without going to any great lengths.
People usually perk up a lot when you ask them about their interests. If you can see that spark of passion in their eyes, you’ve got a great chance of having a wonderful conversation.
3. How would someone who knows you well describe you?
This is a question with many possible answers, and it gives them an opportunity to really think about what they are.
You might get some very heartfelt, genuine answers to this one, so sit back and take the opportunity to pay attention to them.
4. What gives your life the most meaning?
This will help them really introspect on what makes them feel genuinely joyful. We always love to talk about the things that make us smile.
It’s easier to open up with questions like this one. so it may lead to an interesting and funny conversation. And never judge what it is. Remember that this is very important to them.
5. What do you wish you could tell people more often?
We all have that one really entertaining story from our own lives that we’re always ready to narrate at parties or given any other opportunities.
Of course, they might tell you they don’t have a story. This is quite alright, but you never know. If you probe a little, they might discover the one they hadn’t really thought about until right then.
And even if they can’t come up with something, you can always move back any of the other four questions above.
This article was originally published at The Mind’s Journal. Reprinted with permission from the author.
