If you’ve ever thought that movies, books and songs perpetuate an extremely toxic idea of love, you would be right.
The following quotes are words all of you have heard of. They might sound extremely romantic at first but are highly dysfunctional.
Don’t fall for them — instead, understand the true meaning behind them.
Here are 5 things people say in love that are extremely toxic:
1. “I need you”
There’s a huge difference between “I need you” and “I want you.” Which of those would you rather have your partner tell you?
Hearing “I need you” constantly implies the other person is extremely attached to and dependent on you. Relationships without any dependence don’t exist, but the degree thereof can tell a lot about the relationship dynamics.
Truly needing a partner implies a mother-and-child relationship rather than a healthy one.
“I need you” often comes from anxiously attached individuals who think they’ll literally die if you leave them.
2. “You’re my other half”
There’s the following fable in Greek methodology:
“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”
I admit this story is romantic, but what’s the actual meaning behind it?
Hearing you’re someone’s other half or searching for it implies you’re not a whole person by yourself. It proposes the toxic idea that your life is not complete until you have a partner.
Yet, this is not true. You’re not “a half.” You’re a complete, sovereign human being without a partner.
Let’s have a look at the diagram below:
As you can see, you’re not half a circle but a full circle who finds another full circle. Whilst you are both complete individuals, there’s an overlap that symbolizes your common life, interests, values, etc.
Yet, if you’re ever to split up, you’re still a whole person. You have a full identity apart from your partner.
3. “I can’t live without you”
If your friend or child or parent told you they truly couldn’t live without you (and kill themselves), would you consider that cute?
So why would you think it is when your partner does?
If someone truly makes you feel like they can’t breathe, function, or survive a day without hearing or seeing you, that’s not love. It’s also extremely dangerous when you’re considering a breakup and the other person threatens to kill themself.
Every grown adult should be able to live on their own because, in the end, that’s exactly where we might end up.
Hearing the words “I can’t live without you,” only creates an enormous amount of pressure to constantly satisfy the other.
4. “I love you more than anything else”
When someone says that they love you more than anything else, they’ll put your love over anything. They’ll do anything for you no matter how much it damages them.
Why?
Because they don’t love themselves.
“If you prioritize the love you get out of a relationship over the respect you’re given, you’ll tolerate being treated like a doormat. If you prioritize love over trust in the relationship, you’ll tolerate lying and cheating. If you prioritize love over affection in the relationship, you’ll tolerate a cold and distant existence in the relationship.”
The one person you should always love the most is yourself. And there’s nothing sexier than a person who truly does so and knows they’re the most important person in their life — not anybody else.
5. “I can’t stop thinking about you”
Studies have shown that the brain of people in love is equivalent to the brain of drug addicts.
Constantly thinking about a beloved one when you’re not with them implies you’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Yet, you have a life outside of your relationship and most likely need to function and work properly. You simply can’t get “your drug” all the time.
Obsessive thoughts and missing someone so badly thank you can’t think of anything else prevents you from completing your daily tasks.
You might feel flattered hearing those words but it only shows the dependency of this person on you.
Obsession is not a healthy sign of love and can even end in a condition called “Obsessive love disorder.”
If you’ve ever heard or said any of these phrases, you’re not alone.
A big chunk of what you learn about love is through consuming outside resources — it’s not your fault these often stress dysfunctional dynamics.
It’s not too late to let go of this idea of toxic love. Next time, consider if you really want to be with someone who can’t live without you.
Anja Vojta is a certified relationship coach and breakup expert.
This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.
