Figuring out how to break up with him is hard and terrible. But figuring out how to kiss a guy is easy and wonderful. Regulate your saliva, go with the flow, and be confident and you are sure to succeed.
Funnily enough, the same tactics could actually be applied to how to break up with someone.
But for some reason that doesn’t make the task any more appealing. But what if you could use your kissing techniques as a tool to end a relationship? That’s right, ditch the dud AND get your quality smoochfest on.
It’s totally possible, you’ve just got to be willing to give up your old kissing techniques and try one of these tried and true methods of getting a guy to run screaming into the sunset, leaving you to your own glorious devices.
Ladies, beware: if you know how to kiss a guy and want him to stay, do not try any of these methods.
Here are 9 kissing techniques that’ll make him break up with you immediately:
1. Gently tap out your cellphone number on his incisors using your tongue
When he asks what you’re doing, explain that if he is ever in a life-threatening situation, his teeth will remember your phone number and you will come to rescue him.
2. Sing anything by Tim McGraw into his open mouth without breaking contact
Sky-diving, mountain climbing — all this and more will you do once this guy realizes you want to end things.
3. Dot his top lip with eighty little kisses while saying “smoochie smooch”
When you are done, pull back slightly and say, “I wuv u.” Easy peasy.
4. Chew on his lips
Increase your intensity until he panics and flees, remarking as he goes that he is concerned you might be a cannibal.
5. Make sure to put in fake teeth before locking lips
Grin big before you go in for a kiss.
6. Whisper, “I’ve got gingivitis” before slipping him some tongue
Bonus points if you dramatically intone “The gum disease gingivitis” like in that one mouthwash commercial.
7. Use suction to make intermittent fart sounds with your mouth
It’s hard to get passionate when your mouths keep farting. I predict a date that ends with chagrined giggling in a best-case scenario.
8. Throw up just a little
The key here is to keep it in your own mouth. Tease him with it a little. “Leave him guessing, did she just almost throw up in my mouth?” The uncertainty will be your undoing.
9. Praise his kissing ability
“You kiss so good I think I’m pregnant now.”
