Knowing when to break up with someone is, undoubtedly, one of the most difficult decisions you may ever have to make in a relationship.
Knowing how long to stay and when to go is a statement of self-respect and personal limits.
You do have to know yourself well and be uncompromising in your personal accountability.
No one enters into a relationship predicting or hoping it will end. However, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll go through a lot of dates, relationships, and heartaches en route to finding true love.
For marriage-minded people, knowing when to end a relationship that isn’t in your best interest is essential. Your quest is to be in a relationship that encourages both of you to be your best selves and to constantly grow as a couple.
Here are 9 signs it’s time to call it quits on your relationship:
1. You’ve lost respect for one another
Respect is foundational to any healthy relationship. You can’t build a common dream or the promise of forever if you look down on your partner or hear disparaging remarks from them about you.
2. You’ve lost interest in your partner’s life experiences
If you would rather shovel snow than listen to your partner talk about his or her day, there may be something deeper going on. It’s impossible to grow in intimacy if you really don’t care to know about your partner’s experiences and thoughts.
3. One or both of you has lost interest in sex
You know the difference between “just not hot-and-heavy-anymore” and “don’t touch me.” Loss of sexual interest in your partner is a major red flag and often signals deeper issues.
4. Communication feels like a lost cause
If you’re trying but get nothing in return; if you can’t agree on anything; if you have reduced your communication to the weather and pragmatics of getting through the day, then you likely have a problem.
If you think twice about bringing anything up to your partner, that’s a major red flag. Any of these examples can spell the demise of the most important part of a relationship: communication.
5. Your relationship is full of negativity
If every encounter and conversation has some kind of “edge” to it, there’s probably some underlying disapproval, distrust, or dislike sharpening it. Negativity can be a way to sabotage a relationship by creating a toxic, unlivable environment. There may also be some passive aggression going on.
6. One of you keeps trying to change the other
Relationships, at their healthiest, are a place for people to evolve and grow. And all growth involves change. But evolving into your best self doesn’t mean sacrificing your core qualities and values. If you and your partner are trying to change one another at a core level, it may be time to call it quits.
Things like religious and political beliefs, views on money and work, and openness to children are integral to a person’s character and life direction. If you find yourself in a push-pull struggle to change your partner, your relationship will probably always be a chore.
7. One person makes all the effort
Relationships take the full effort of both partners. Yes, sometimes one person will give more while the other receives more. But if one person is kicking back and letting the other do all the work, something is very wrong. If only one of you is communicating and putting forth the emotional effort, the relationship is on borrowed time.
8. You start having an interest in dating other people
It’s not unnatural to be curious about what the online dating world is offering. But if you’re sneaking off to your computer to read profiles, you’ve already checked out of your relationship.
9. One or both of you refuse to get help
It’s not unusual for one person to be willing to get help while the other needs some tugging on the leash. But relationships are a two-way street. And so are their problems — even if those problems seem to originate with one person.
Getting help isn’t about deciding that one person is right, and one is wrong. It’s about helping two people navigate their issues with better communication skills and clearer vision into a healthy relationship.
Figuring out how to know when to break up with someone isn’t something you’re likely to think about unless you’re at a crossroads with your current relationship.
You could be consumed with your infatuation and all the possibilities you envision with your partner. How are you supposed to know, then, when it’s time to throw in the towel and move on? But, if you’re regularly thinking to yourself, “Should I break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend?”, then something’s going on.
No two people are alike, and no two relationships are alike. You’ll therefore have to be very honest with yourself and your partner about how these guidelines apply to your relationship.
If you’re still wondering when to break up with someone, there are some situations that are automatic deal-breakers.
If there’s abuse in the relationship, you need to get out. And you both need to get help. The dangers of staying outnumber any benefits. One of the biggest dangers is that you may become desensitized to the abuse, which means you might not recognize it for what it is until it’s too late.
The other deal-breaker is addiction. Regardless of who has the addiction, it can’t survive without codependency, enabling, and denial. The person with the addiction needs professional help, and anyone staying with the addict needs help, too. Is that really how you want to embark on finding a ‘forever’ love?
Just as it’s important to know how to work through tough times, it’s also important to know when to break up with someone and walk away. And if your relationship ever comes to that, it’s always good to have reliable support for the journey.
Knowing how to leave a relationship after fearless self-examination and uncompromising self-accountability will set you up for success the next time.
Amy Schoen is a D.C.-based national expert in dating and relationship life coaching. She’s helped countless couples find love with her proven methodology and Meet Your Mate Strategy Sessions.
