A note from Dr. Psych Mom: A reader contacted me to say that after reading one of my posts, she and her husband tried an open marriage. Here is her super interesting guest post.
My husband is sleeping, I can hear his even breathing in the other room. I know it well, it has been a comfort and a constant through all our decades together.
He’s the person I thought I would never hurt and the person I thought I would always have.
He’s the person that has looked at me the same way through everything we have ever been through. Until now.
And in the beginning, it was with all those years and with all that love, that we decided we were strong enough and secure enough that we could navigate the new world of an open marriage.
We had discussed it once before several months back when our sex life was at not only a standstill but also an impasse; we wanted very different things.
After thinking about it further and discussing it again, this article came across my news feed.
I shared it with my husband and we both agreed that the idea of more open communication, more freedom, and an increased sex drive outside of a monogamous relationship — while still loving each other and keeping our family together — sounded like something we wanted to do.
And for a while, it was like that.
We talked about feelings and problems in our marriage we had never talked about before.
The feelings of anticipation for something new and exciting were really fun and it was exhilarating to talk about it together without fear of jealousy or judgment. It was thrilling to go out into the world knowing it was ok to have new thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
My husband set up my dating account and wrote the profile for it, he helped me choose pictures and told me how beautiful I was.
I took the profile pic for his account while we were on a date and we read messages together from his matches. I encouraged him to bring his sexuality out, to know what it was like to want someone in a new way and to be seen through the eyes of someone else.
When he went on his first and his second date I cried even though I wanted it because I was scared to let him go. I loved him and it was final…he wasn’t mine anymore.
I slept with someone first, it was with a friend we had known for many years. My husband knew when we had dates and even though he was a nervous wreck at first, he was mostly okay with it.
Right now we are both still seeing our respective people and we have started marriage counseling so we can get help moving forward.
Our old ways of talking, problem-solving, interacting and dealing with things didn’t work and we have a lot of baggage from our years together.
For couples thinking about an open marriage, here are 7 things I wished I had known sooner:
1. It makes you a more confident person
To do something so scary and so new, you have to be confident in your choices and desires.
I have learned to love my body. I have learned to believe in my own thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I have stopped trying to hide my feelings and myself.
Now when I leave for an hour to work out, talk to friends, or take some time for myself, I don’t feel bad about it anymore.
I am stronger because I have taken more control and initiative for myself.
2. Beware of dating apps
My experience was that because I was open, mainly very undesirable men were messaging me and liking me because they wanted an object only.
They do not want to invest time, trust, or dates on someone who is basically unavailable.
My husband and I both found kind lovers. They respect us and our family situation.
Make sure you choose someone who you can easily communicate with and who has your best interest in mind too.
I was so afraid to share my squishy booty, saggy mom boobs, and c-section scars but he made me feel beautiful and enjoyed my body. I felt brave and happy because I felt beautiful.
3. I would have gotten my marriage to a stronger place first
I would have done therapy before non-monogamy, not after.
4. I would have chosen someone with less history
I chose to date a friend because I was sure that after 20 years of knowing someone, my feelings for them would never change. I was wrong.
It was so easy to cross that line because you already have history, you already care for them and there isn’t room for all the fake bulls*** that can go with getting to know someone new.
Most successful open-marriage couples start slower and they don’t form attachments to lovers.
So if you are lonely with your spouse, open marriage is probably not the way to go. That is unless you and your spouse can accept or embrace that you love more than one person — that’s the only way for it to work.
We are seeing where we are with that, seeing if it can work for us.
5. I would have gone to individual counseling for longer
I remember my first visit a few months ago, I looked at my therapist and told her that I didn’t even know what I was doing there.
I guess most of us who end up on the couch side of the office never expect to be there trying to find the words to tell someone what we need and how to help us because we already spent years looking for all those answers and came up empty every time.
6. You will be broken in new ways, so be prepared to hurt and ready to dig really deep
When we chose open marriage what we didn’t realize is that we were also saying goodbyes to the old us and you can’t get those people back.
I’ve realized that despite grief and loss, changing is for the best because even though the past felt safer, we weren’t working anymore.
Hopefully, we can make it to a new place.
7. You will need a friend to talk to
I hope you have those ride-or-die people in your life. You will need them.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.
This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.
