Notes from Dr. Psych Mom: Today we have an emotional affair post from a wife that found out about her husband’s online emotional affair.
A few years ago, my husband and I went through a rough patch.
At the time, I didn’t know until it was almost over.
We had been married a few years and we were happy. We enjoyed each other’s company and spent time as a family.
He went to the kids’ school stuff and was working hard on his career in the Navy. We had a good sex life and spent time with friends. You know, happy.
We were preparing for a huge move to Europe soon and he worked a lot of hours. And then he started working even more hours.
He started getting up at 4 am saying he was trying to beat traffic and staying late telling me he was helping his chief.
He would tell me he’d call from work and wouldn’t for hours. His friends told me he was always there so I didn’t suspect an affair, yet. Something just felt off.
Then one day I found something startling.
I turned on the computer and he had left his email open.
There were messages from a woman I did not know. Not the typical “wanna date from a local single” stuff but more “wish I could see you tonight but you’re with her.”
I was livid, I wanted to rip his head off.
Then I went into protection mode. Maybe it was a misunderstanding, a coworker with no boundaries because I didn’t find any replies from him, only from her.
Maybe an old girlfriend that wouldn’t let go, we had been through that while dating.
I debated on asking him about it but I didn’t want to overreact. So, I installed a spy program on our computer and waited.
For a little bit, there was nothing more.
Then he started staying up late on the computer instead of coming to bed and he changed his password.
A few weeks later, I found the motherlode.
He had joined an adult chat room and his profile said he was single, looking for companionship and a physical relationship.
I found more with the same thing. I found bulletin board posts where he called me controlling and said I was ruining his career and I trashed his relationship with his son.
I never found anything about him being married. I wanted to believe he had created these before we got married but all the dates had been within a year — we had been married for three.
I was devastated.
I printed everything out and planned the confrontation.
Then he got called up early at Christmas and he left a few weeks later.
The day after we saw him off with tears and kisses and hurt feelings, I turned on the computer and there was the grand finale.
He had left open an instant message chat from the night before. All the graphic details were right in front of me.
I won’t go into every gory detail but it included a lot of things you should only discuss with your wife in the bedroom.
I messaged her and told her she better back off and cut off contact. She was 20 minutes away and he was 5000 miles, who would get to her first? She, wisely, listened.
I cried, threw things, and was more pissed off than I had ever been in my life.
I couldn’t tell anyone. I was mortified that this had been happening for almost a year and I had no clue.
According to both of them, there was never a physical relationship but there was everything else — emotions, the personal stuff. He told her he loved her.
In April, I flew to visit him and we found a house and everything seemed back to normal.
I still knew what had happened and he didn’t. We spent a great weekend together and I went home and packed for our move to be with him.
Our time in Europe was magic. Two years later, we came back.
He started acting distant and I started my detective work. He was doing it again.
This time, I went at him like a bad lawyer.
Endless questions, tears, and intense “I want to kill you anger” later, we went to therapy.
We spent years working on our relationship. It’s been 10 years now and we have gotten past it.
He’s my wonderful husband again and we have learned to trust.
He didn’t understand then that emotional relationships rip your heart out worse than a quick screw behind her back. He does now.
That rough patch almost killed me but I am stronger now and so are we.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.
This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.
