Truth is, I can’t tell you how much time you’ll need to get over your ex, and neither can you.

Some studies suggest it takes about three months to feel better after a breakup, whilst for divorces, it’s estimated to be one and a half years. Although this can be a benchmark, it isn’t necessarily one and I won’t tell this to any client.

What many people don’t understand is that the grief triggered by their breakup is only partially related to this ex. A big part of it is past grief you’ve never worked through — whether that be the loss of partners, family, friends, or pets. Thus, your individual past combined with your general capacity to hold uncomfortable emotions has a huge impact on the time it’ll take to get over your ex.

What if you saw breakups as a life-changing opportunity that’ll teach you how to be with discomfort not knowing when it ends? Changing your mindset instead of craving a deadline will teach you rock-solid resistance for the rest of your life.

3. What if my ex already has a new partner? 

Your breakup is not a competition, although many seem to view it as such.

We post pictures on social media living our best life to make sure our ex knows we’re doing fine without them. Even worse: We stalk our exes’ social media, see all these glorious pictures, and assume they’re doing much better than we do. Worst case, we see a photo of their new partner.

Yes, your ex might already have a new partner but that has nothing to do with your worth. It doesn’t mean you weren’t good or pretty enough. It certainly doesn’t mean your ex never loved you.

All it means is that your ex found someone new. Period. Maybe they couldn’t face the pace and had to jump into the next best relationship. Maybe they worked through it and felt ready.

You don’t know and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is your healing journey. By focusing on your exes’ new life, you’re stalling your healing and the start of your new fabulous life.

I know it hurts seeing someone you still love with a new partner but remember: your ex didn’t find someone better, just someone else.

Everybody has a different speed. Just because someone is moving on faster than you doesn’t change your worth. Again, the belief that “faster is better” is simply not true. Comparing your healing journey to someone else’s is meaningless because of each of our unique pasts.

4. What if I never find someone as good again? 

If one fear hits deep after a breakup, it’s the fear of being alone forever.

Unless you have rock-solid self-worth and trust in the Universe, you’re going to feel self-conscious and scared at some point.

I have never encountered a person whose first genuine reaction after a breakup was: I know I’ll find so much better.

During the breakup process, our brain naturally wants to push us back into our comfort zone — back to our ex. It recalls the good parts and forgets all the things that didn’t work out. We get nervous and start thinking “Maybe this person really was the best thing ever.” We follow this feeling and suddenly end up with our ex again

It’s too tempting to follow this fear but be inspired by the words I usually get from clients who properly worked through their breakup:

“I’d never take this person back again. I can now see through all the BS and why things didn’t work out. I deserve so much better.”

I invite everyone going through a breakup to reframe the above question to this: What if I find someone much better? What if there was somebody else out there that can fulfill your needs and wants in a way you could’ve never imagined?

Once you start shifting your belief system, you will find someone better. Our brains are built to think of worst-case scenarios but in 99 percent of the cases, the most realistic scenario is not worst-case.

5. I already felt better, why am I crying nonstop again? 

Healing has no deadline and it’s definitely not linear. Here are a few examples of what healing can look like:

• Joy
• Empowerment
• Desperation
• Confusion
• Thrill
• Disbelief
• Boredom
• Sadness

You can never predict when any of these stages are going to hit you. Many people think they’ve made a step back if they felt happy one day and suddenly feel sad the next.

Here’s my answer: Going through different types of emotions is a sign of progress, not regression. It’s a process called recycling — you’ll recycle memories that have been triggered by whatever reason. Maybe you’ve walked past your favorite restaurant, or perhaps you don’t see any connection.

And that’s okay, you don’t have to know.

You’ve already worked through the first bits and are now strong enough to deal with the residuals. Your body wouldn’t have them show up if you weren’t ready for them. It will only give you what your nervous system is capable of feeling at this very moment.

Remember: The emotions that are showing up are cycling through your system anyway. If you don’t let them come up now (and suppress or judge them), they’ll only come back later in your life.

The only way to get through a breakup is to experience all your emotions and thoughts. Observe them, accept them, show compassion, and work through them.

As you can see from the most common breakup questions, you’re not alone. We all have the same thoughts popping up, questioning our very existence and self-worth.

If you’re ready to face your biggest pain and alchemize it into love, I promise something is waiting at the other end of the tunnel you could’ve never imagined.

Anja Vojta is a certified relationship coach and breakup expert.

This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.