It might have been a huge blow-up where you and your partner both said awful, hurtful words. It could have been a slow-building tension that brought coldness and distance.
The effects are the same… your relationship feels like it has collapsed.
The strong foundation of trust, communication, respect, and even love has been shaken and maybe feels destroyed.
You’re wondering if it is even possible for you two to repair the damage and rebuild your connection.
A relationship collapse can be precipitated by infidelity, jealousy, mistrust, flirting, anger and resentment, unresolved disagreements and more. You might be very upset, not sleeping or eating well and fearful about your future. You may also be feeling justified about what you’ve said or done. After all, your partner did something awful.
But when the relationship ends, no matter who was at fault, it’s important that you take specific steps to learn the lessons the situation taught you and to move forward in a healthy and productive way.
Here are four things you should do ASAP when your relationship ends:
1. Be honest with yourself about what happened.
The first thing we recommend you do after a relationship collapse is to assess the state of your relationship. If your mind is racing ahead to what you think the future might hold or to what you guess your partner will do next, stop.
If you’re replaying in your mind your version of what went down between you two, stop. Slow your thinking and, instead, get very clear about literally what happened. This is going to be your biased perspective, so be as choosy as you can about what you believe is true. Think about what was actually said and the actions that really happened.
Go with observations and verifiable information when at all possible. If, for example, you’re sure about your partner’s intentions or even feelings, ask yourself if you really know this. Keep returning to what was said, what was done, and how you feel about it. This is a time to know, with as much certainty as you can, the place where you stand.
2. Be honest with yourself about what’s in your best interest.
Next, we invite you to consider the wisdom of repairing your relationship. We don’t think that people should throw away a perfectly good relationship just because mistakes (even big mistakes) were made, or an argument happened. We also know how important it is to make conscious choices about one’s life and this includes the choice to stay in or to leave the relationship.
Think about what is in your best interest. Think about where you stand right now with your partner and also about where you want to go in the future. Remind yourself that you deserve to have the kind of relationship you truly want.
It’s also helpful to review what you know about your partner’s actions and stated intentions. For instance, if your partner had (or is having) an affair, get clear about whether or not the affair has actually ended. If it hasn’t, do you have any indication that your mate is planning to stop cheating? If he or she has vowed to end the affair but has done nothing to follow through, consider that as well.
The decision to stay in or leave a relationship is yours to make. Making a conscious and empowered choice can help — whether you end the relationship and take a different direction in life, or you stay to repair and rebuild with your partner.
3. Be willing to own your role.
You’ve probably heard the saying that it takes “two to tango.” As uncomfortable as it is to admit, this is almost always true. What your partner said or did may have been a huge betrayal, but there is probably a role you also played in the relationship collapse.
With gentleness and self-love, try to determine what your role was and is. This isn’t about you taking the blame or being the only one at fault for what happened because that’s not helpful. This is about you owning your share of whatever dynamic was going on in your relationship that contributed to the collapse.
This might have been your tendency to say “yes” even when you mean “no.” This may be your habit of jumping to conclusions or of shutting down and withdrawing when things get tense. Find out what your role is and ask yourself if you are willing to make some changes. Don’t do it for your partner. Do it for you. The more you can clean up your own habits, the happier you’ll be.
4. Take your next best step.
The advice we’ve given you so far has all been what we call “advance work.” This is vital if you truly want to repair the damage of a relationship collapse. It is rarely a wise idea to rush to any action without taking some amount of time to get clear within yourself about where you stand, what your role is, and what is beneficial for you.
When couples have the same argument or they break up and reunite over and over again, it’s often because neither of them has done the advanced work. They are merely repeatedly reacting to one another and building up even more hostility and pain.
As you do the advanced work, you’re going to begin to know what your next best step is. This might not be an action or decision that you are happy or comfortable with, but it will feel certain and right for you. Your next best step might be to offer your partner a heartfelt apology, set a firm boundary, propose an agreement, or seek help from a professional.
Whatever it is, take your next step and keep checking in with yourself as you take another and another. This is the way to rebuild trust and connection and to re-discover your love for one another.
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect, and create the relationship they desire.
